Please excuse him from work today, for he is sick. He said I should write the words "cough, cough'' for dramatic effect. He says you shouldn't go near his desk; it might be contagious.
I suspect he'll be down most of the weekend, feel better Sunday night, then hit the skids sometime around next Thursday and Friday. This happens every March. It often trickles into April.
He said he began to feel woozy last Sunday after watching television, mentioning something about a severe case of "bracketology.'' He says there is no cure, that he must let it run its course. He said to make sure you knew that.
I found this to be strange, since on Monday he was feeling great and mentioned he had plenty of clean "sheets'' to work from. He also mentioned something about Kansas making him sick this time of year, but no Kentucky makes the pain a little more tolerable. He also says he loves Gonzaga, which I'm assuming is some new antibiotic for whatever makes him sick about Kansas or bugs him about Kentucky.
Mr. Boss, whatever Gonzaga Johnny drank on Monday didn't work. Tuesday evening he was ill and said that only rest and relaxation -- in front of the television -- would fix what was ailing him.
You know, I always thought that boy should have gone into medicine, because he has a special way of knowing when he's going to be feeling good and when he will not.
He was that way when we was young. He'd get sick in the fall during the World Series and on days when he had under-studied for tests. It usually lasted just until school let out, and then somehow he'd feel much better.
The weather has been iffy at best around here, Mr. Boss, and I believe Johnny said something about a warmer climate helping him get better.
He said he loves Florida, loathes Arizona, doesn't trust California, likes North Carolina less than Kansas and has a nice feeling about Miami this year. He mentioned that New Mexico could cure all his ills from the past. If New Mexico will make him feel better, then New Mexico it is.
Johnny tells me it would be best to text him if you must reach him today, because the waiting room at his doctor's office can get loud. He is right. I called him last year when he was at the doctor's office, and I heard lots what I believed to be cheering in the background.
So to sum up, he won't be at work today, and he probably won't be there every Friday for the next three weeks.
As if you'll miss him.
Sincerely (kind of),
Columnist John Marx can be reached at (309) 757-8388 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Today is Wednesday, March 12, the 71st day of 2014. There are 294 days left in the year. 1864 -- 150 years ago: Soldiers from the barracks on the Arsenal manage to elude the vigilance of the guard nearly every day and come to town armed. In the hands of excited and perhaps intoxicated men, these weapons are dangerous. 1889 -- 125 years ago: Manufacturing's merchants and professional men of Moline were petitioning the Western Union Telegraph company to establish a telegraph office in the business area of the city. 1914 -- 100 years ago: Three Rock Island students, the Misses Eleanor Cleaveland, Dorothy McCabe and Ruth West, escaped injury when fire destroyed College Hall at Wellesley College in Massachusetts. 1939 -- 75 years ago: The Daughters of Union Veterans of the Civil War gave a party for William H. Stremmel, the only survivor of John Buford Post 243, GAR. 1964 -- 50 years ago: The East Moline Grade School Board of Education last night granted salary increases totaling about $47,000 to teachers and staff members. 1989 -- 25 years ago: Five champion spellers from the Rock Island/Milan School district were selected after competition this week at Modern Woodmen of America. Winners are Sarah Cottay, Christopher Gilbrich, Jared Vogele, Kedric Roper and Kenny Stevenson.