So bad that it's almost scary


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Posted Online: April 18, 2013, 1:47 pm
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By Roger Moore


"Scary Movie 5" comes up short in every way imaginable.

It's only 80 minutes long. These "Scary Movie" / "Disaster Movie" / "Epic Movie" satires always manage to be the briefest encounters in theaters.Not that "brevity is the soul of wit," in this case.

The broad swipes this sketch comedy takes at horror films such as "Mama," "Paranormal Activity" and "Evil Dead" (yes, it's that current), at reality TV, at "The Black Swan" and "Fifty Shades of Grey," at sci-fi films such as "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and at the real-life persona of Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dogg, barely produce a single laugh.

It's a series of short sketches that don't end with a payoff, performed by actors who need a paycheck.

Thus, Sheen and Lohan, and Ashley Tisdale and Jerry O'Connell, Darrell Hammond and Molly Shannon, all look for laughs that will at least make the outtakes reel.

Almost funny? Stoners Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller wander through Humboldt County in search of weed, when they see ... a cabin in the woods. Snoop urges them on, but Miller blurts out a warning. It's like something in that movie, "you know, the one with the cabin in the woods."

Like "Cabin in the Woods." Like "Evil Dead." Like "The Blair Witch Project." The longer the list goes on, the funnier the moment almost gets.

Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex are the "Mama" couple who find themselves in custody of feral kids raised by a ghost. Katt Williams is the psychic they hire to cleanse their house.

"So a demon's the worst thing you can have?"
"No, an STD is the worst thing you can have."

The gents who wrote "5" got their start with "Airplane!," so they know how this is supposed to work. They just can't find a laugh behind most of the movie and pop-culture references.

But they found a decent Morgan Freeman impersonator (Josh Robert Thompson). And they shoved in a few outtakes at the end that are slightly more amusing than the gags they actually included in "Scary Movie 5." Whatever the effects and the production values, these movies have been flailing, unfunny fiascoes since "Scary Movie 2" wasted 83 minutes of our time way back in 2001.





"SCARY MOVIE 5"


MPAA rating: PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence and gore.
Length: 80 minutes.
Rating: One star.














 




Local events heading








  Today is Monday, Sept. 1, the 244th day of 2014. There are 121 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: We are informed by J.H. Hull that the reason the street sprinkler was not at work yesterday settling the dust on the streets, was because one of his horses was injured.
1889 -- 125 years ago: Bonnie McGregor, a fleet-footed stallion owned by S.W. Wheelock of this community, covered himself with glory at Lexington, Ky, when he ran a mile in 2:13 1/2. The horse's value was estimated as at least $50,000.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Troops are pouring into Paris to prepare for defense of the city. The German army is reported to be only 60 miles from the capital of France.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The German army has invaded Poland in undeclared warfare. Poland has appealed to Great Britain and France for aid.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Publication of a plant newspaper, the Farmall Works News, has been launched at the Rock Island IHC factory and replaces a managerial newsletter.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Officials predict Monday's Rock Island Labor Parade will be the biggest and best ever. Last minute work continues on floats and costumes for the parade, which steps off a 9:30 a.m.




(More History)