So bad that it's almost scary


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Posted Online: April 18, 2013, 1:47 pm
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By Roger Moore


"Scary Movie 5" comes up short in every way imaginable.

It's only 80 minutes long. These "Scary Movie" / "Disaster Movie" / "Epic Movie" satires always manage to be the briefest encounters in theaters.Not that "brevity is the soul of wit," in this case.

The broad swipes this sketch comedy takes at horror films such as "Mama," "Paranormal Activity" and "Evil Dead" (yes, it's that current), at reality TV, at "The Black Swan" and "Fifty Shades of Grey," at sci-fi films such as "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and at the real-life persona of Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dogg, barely produce a single laugh.

It's a series of short sketches that don't end with a payoff, performed by actors who need a paycheck.

Thus, Sheen and Lohan, and Ashley Tisdale and Jerry O'Connell, Darrell Hammond and Molly Shannon, all look for laughs that will at least make the outtakes reel.

Almost funny? Stoners Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller wander through Humboldt County in search of weed, when they see ... a cabin in the woods. Snoop urges them on, but Miller blurts out a warning. It's like something in that movie, "you know, the one with the cabin in the woods."

Like "Cabin in the Woods." Like "Evil Dead." Like "The Blair Witch Project." The longer the list goes on, the funnier the moment almost gets.

Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex are the "Mama" couple who find themselves in custody of feral kids raised by a ghost. Katt Williams is the psychic they hire to cleanse their house.

"So a demon's the worst thing you can have?"
"No, an STD is the worst thing you can have."

The gents who wrote "5" got their start with "Airplane!," so they know how this is supposed to work. They just can't find a laugh behind most of the movie and pop-culture references.

But they found a decent Morgan Freeman impersonator (Josh Robert Thompson). And they shoved in a few outtakes at the end that are slightly more amusing than the gags they actually included in "Scary Movie 5." Whatever the effects and the production values, these movies have been flailing, unfunny fiascoes since "Scary Movie 2" wasted 83 minutes of our time way back in 2001.





"SCARY MOVIE 5"


MPAA rating: PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence and gore.
Length: 80 minutes.
Rating: One star.














 



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  Today is Wednesday, April 23, the 113th day of 2014. There are 252 days left in the year.

1864 — 150 years ago: Some persons are negotiating for 80 feet of ground on Illinois Street with a view of erecting four stores thereon. It would serve a better purpose if the money was invested in neat tenement houses.
1889 — 125 years ago: The Central station, car house and stables of the Moline-Rock Island Horse Railway line of the Holmes syndicate, together with 15 cars and 42 head of horses, were destroyed by fire. The loss was at $15,000.
1914 — 100 years ago: Vera Cruz, Mexico, after a day and night of resistance to American forces, gradually ceased opposition. The American forces took complete control of the city.
1939 — 75 years ago: Dr. R. Bruce Collins was reelected for a second term as president of the Lower Rock Island County Tuberculosis Association.
1964 — 50 years ago: Work is scheduled to begin this summer on construction of a new men's residence complex and an addition to the dining facilities at Westerlin Hall at Augustana College.
1989 — 25 years ago: Special Olympics competitors were triple winners at Rock Island High School Saturday. The participants vanquished the rain that fell during the competition, and some won their events; but most important, they triumphed over their own disabilities.




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