So bad that it's almost scary


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Posted Online: April 18, 2013, 1:47 pm
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By Roger Moore


"Scary Movie 5" comes up short in every way imaginable.

It's only 80 minutes long. These "Scary Movie" / "Disaster Movie" / "Epic Movie" satires always manage to be the briefest encounters in theaters.Not that "brevity is the soul of wit," in this case.

The broad swipes this sketch comedy takes at horror films such as "Mama," "Paranormal Activity" and "Evil Dead" (yes, it's that current), at reality TV, at "The Black Swan" and "Fifty Shades of Grey," at sci-fi films such as "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" and at the real-life persona of Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dogg, barely produce a single laugh.

It's a series of short sketches that don't end with a payoff, performed by actors who need a paycheck.

Thus, Sheen and Lohan, and Ashley Tisdale and Jerry O'Connell, Darrell Hammond and Molly Shannon, all look for laughs that will at least make the outtakes reel.

Almost funny? Stoners Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller wander through Humboldt County in search of weed, when they see ... a cabin in the woods. Snoop urges them on, but Miller blurts out a warning. It's like something in that movie, "you know, the one with the cabin in the woods."

Like "Cabin in the Woods." Like "Evil Dead." Like "The Blair Witch Project." The longer the list goes on, the funnier the moment almost gets.

Ashley Tisdale and Simon Rex are the "Mama" couple who find themselves in custody of feral kids raised by a ghost. Katt Williams is the psychic they hire to cleanse their house.

"So a demon's the worst thing you can have?"
"No, an STD is the worst thing you can have."

The gents who wrote "5" got their start with "Airplane!," so they know how this is supposed to work. They just can't find a laugh behind most of the movie and pop-culture references.

But they found a decent Morgan Freeman impersonator (Josh Robert Thompson). And they shoved in a few outtakes at the end that are slightly more amusing than the gags they actually included in "Scary Movie 5." Whatever the effects and the production values, these movies have been flailing, unfunny fiascoes since "Scary Movie 2" wasted 83 minutes of our time way back in 2001.





"SCARY MOVIE 5"


MPAA rating: PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence and gore.
Length: 80 minutes.
Rating: One star.














 



Local events heading








  Today is Tuesday, July 22, the 203rd day of 2014. There are 162 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: Everybody is invited to go on a moonlight excursion next Monday evening on the steamer New Boston. The trip will be from Davenport to Muscatine and back.
1889 -- 125 years ago: The mayor and bridge committee let a contract to the Clinton Bridge company for a $1,125 iron bridge across Sears canal near Milan.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Injunction proceedings to compel the Central Association to keep a baseball team in Rock Island for the remainder of the season were contemplated by some of the Rock Island fans, but they decided to defer action.
1939 -- 75 years ago: The first of the new and more powerful diesel engines built for the Rock Island Lines for the proposed Chicago-Denver run, passed thru the Tri-Cities this morning.
1964 -- 50 years ago: The Rock Island Rescue Mission is negotiating for the purchase of the Prince Hall Masonic Home located at 37th Avenue and 5th Street, Rock Island.
1989 -- 25 years ago: Quad Cities Container Terminal is being lauded as a giant business boon that will save several days and hundreds of dollars on each goods shipment to the coasts. The Quad Cities Container Terminal is the final piece of the puzzle that opens up increase access to world markets, Robert Goldstein said.








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