White Castle has the cure for what ails you

Posted Online: Sept. 05, 2013, 5:44 pm
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By John Marx, jmarx@qconline.com
Through all my visits to doctors and many clicks on WebMD, not one medical professional has ever prescribed the White Castle Cure.

I'm amazed they found out about penicillin.

But I digress.

It was quarter-past way too late on a recent Friday-turned-Saturday.

I had spent 10 hours baby-sitting some over-served adult friends in a Chicago suburb. It's what you do when you are the only non-drinker in the group — you drive; you heard them like cattle when it's time to go; and you minimize conflict. Truth is, sometimes you incite conflict just to watch adults act like kids.

For the better part of two days, I had been achy. Not the normal beat-up-body achy I have from 6 to 9 a.m. daily, but inside achy. The pounding in the back of my head was a full 24 hours into play, and nothing in the food department looked or sounded good — a rarity in my world. My throat felt like sandpaper, and there was a rumble that sounded like a '67 Camaro inside my ears.

It should be noted that I am a big fan of White Castle hamburgers, those little squares of beefy heaven served on steamed buns. Grilled with onions and served with pickles, they are favorites of over-served late-night patrons across the land. For reasons I cannot explain in a family newspaper, White Castle hamburgers are referred to as "sliders." I prefer to call them "little squares from heaven."

Sadly, there is no White Castle in the Quad-Cities. Never has been, no matter what your kindly old next-door neighbor told you about a place in Moline in the 1950s.

The local radio tandem of Greg Dwyer and Bill Michaels have tried for years to get a franchise to locate in the Quads. No sale. We can get all the other bad-for-us fast-food joints to set up shop here, but not a White Castle. Dwyer and Michaels have gone so far as to have thousands of sliders flown in for those of us in need of a White Castle Cure.

But back to the medical marvel that is White Castle, which I believe cures the common cold and body aches.

When the evening-morning blowout finally ground to a rumblin'-bumblin'-stumblin' halt, I and my sickly body stopped at the White Castle on Joliet's Larkin Avenue. There I ordered eight singles with no cheese and the obligatory diet soda (a guy has to watch his dainty figure). I pulled into a shopping-outlet parking lot down the street and began the miracle of healing, inhaling the tasty squares a corporate muckety-muck has kept from Quad-Citians for more than 50 years.

I returned to the group, put my head to a pillow, and allowed White Castle to work its magic. When I woke, my headache was gone; my throat was clear; and the aches were knee and hip, not chest, nose and bones.

The White Castle Cure had struck again.

Columnist John Marx can be reached at 309-757-8388 or jmarx@qconline.com.


Local events heading

  Today is Thursday, July 31, the 212th day of 2014. There are 153 days left in the year.

1864 -- 150 years ago: A corps of surgeons now occupies the new hospital quarters at the Garrison Hospital on the Rock Island Arsenal. A fence has been installed to enclose the prison hospital.
1889 -- 125 years ago: B. Winter has let a contract to Christ Schreiner for a two story brick building with a double store front on the south side of 3rd Avenue just west of 17th Street. The estimated cost was $4,500.
1914 -- 100 years ago: Germany sent simultaneous ultimatums to Russia and France, demanding that Russia suspend mobilization within 12 hours and demanding that France inform Germany within 18 hours. In the case of war between Germany and Russia, France would remain neutral.
1939 -- 75 years ago: Civil service offices at the post office and the Rock Island Arsenal were swamped as more than 700 youths sought 15 machinist apprenticeships at the Arsenal.
1964 -- 50 years ago: Last night, American Legion Post 246 in Moline figuratively handed over the trousers to a female ex-Marine and petticoat rule began. Olga Swanson, of Moline, was installed as the first woman commander of the post .
1989 -- 25 years ago: The Illinois Quad City Civic Center captured the excitement and interest of a convention of auditorium managers this weekend in Reno, Nev. Bill Adams, civic center authority chairman, said the 10,000-seat arena planned for downtown Moline has caught the eye of construction firms, suppliers, management teams and concession groups.

(More History)